A KID’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING DIVORCE

Author: Aarchi Sinha, Gitarattan International Business School (GIBS).

This article describes a portion which inquired into the perspectives of children regarding the divorce of their parents; paying particular attention on highlighting the voice of the child in the divorce process. Divorce is traumatic for every one of us, especially for the children, because they have to choose whether they will live with their mom or dad, sometimes either this decision is taken by the court itself or by the child choosing between their loved ones. Parental divorce has been considered one of the most stressful events in the lives of the children getting affected because of that with all the ongoing repercussions throughout the children’s lives. A child goes through a lot

after all this. What all situations surround a kid to choose one bridge to walk. This paper aims to address these questions and explore all those legal implications surrounding the topic, the raw and unfiltered perspective of a child caught in the crossfire of their parents' separation. Proceeding involving child participation, from divorce cases to lawsuits for protection from domestic violence are considered urgent but they often last longer than they should.

Shattering, Separation, Resilience, Attachment, Custody, Siblings, Communication, miscommunication, perspective, feelings, Coping mechanism.

A kid act as a piece of both their parent’s heart, together which can fix everything. Their small hands can help hold their family together. While divorce is something which breaks them apart. Divorce is often described as breaking down a bond, the lives once intertwined are being separated. But beside the legal proceedings, emotional turmoil, the voice of their child is often remains unheard. For a

child, divorce is not just splitting between their parents but it's more like a division of their world, their safe space, and their identity. When parents choose to separate, the decision often starts from a complex web of emotional and practical reasons. It is a choice they have to make as an adults, weighing their own needs and circumstances, yet for a child, the experience of divorce is a profoundly different journey, the one they never ever desired to choose. The voice of a child during parental divorce is very delicate which is often an overlooked thread in a tapestry of separation, but in reality it carries immense weight.

What a child faces during this phase

Children often find themselves on a torn page internalizing the conflict feeling as though they must choose sides or become mediators in disputes they don’t fully understand. Many children hide their feelings during a divorce, fearing that expressing their emotions might worsen the situation. Their silence and hidden silent pain often goes unnoticed, even if they are wanting to share it with someone, either they don’t have anyone with whom they can share their pain with or they are afraid that people will make a joke out of that situation. So they suffer with all this pain all alone from a at a very young age which later on becomes a trauma for them, this kind of situation either makes them emotionally and mentally strong or weakens them to such an extent that they want love and attention from any such stranger when they grow up. That kid feel very disheartened when they see other kids having fun in their happy and merry family, while seeing their parents having arguments and fights over small things ending up worsening that. When the situation results to divorce, some kids don't even understand what that term means. He is just holding both their parents and hearing them fight and getting pulled from both the sides. Divorce disrupts the familiar rhythm of a child’s life- shifting between homes, change in routines, and the absence of a cohesive family unit which leads to instability and insecurity. Sometimes children may mistakenly blame themselves for their parents’ separation. This sense of guilt gives them various kinds of regret which ends up having lasting psychological effects if not addressed compassionately. A divorce can influence a child’s academic performance, social behavior, and emotional well-being, leaving imprints that shape their relationships and self- esteem in the long term. Despite the challenges, children possess incredible resilience. Many learn to adapt, find strength in adversity, and develop unique perspectives on family, love, and conflict resolution. Besides all these legal and logistical aspects of divorce, children often crave the feeling of reassurance that they are still deeply loved by both parents and that the bond they share remains unbroken. Children need to feel included, heard and supported to navigate their emotions effectively. Mostly children become natural peacemakers, hoping to stay silent and to mend what feels irreparably broken. This innocence, positive and hopeful perspective can be a powerful force, often teaching adults lessons in compassion and understanding. One of the most profound aspects of a child’s point of view on divorce is full confusion that it creates. Children often struggle to firstly understand why the separation is happening and may lack emotional maturity to process the reason provided. For younger children, the concept of divorce itself may be bewildering. They might wonder, “if my parents ever loved each other like even for once, if yes then why can't they anymore?” or “does this mean they could stop loving me too?”. This feeling of insecurity often evolves out of confusion where a child’s sense of belonging and stability is called into question.

Children in their study expressed the need to construct meaning around their parents’ divorce decision. In addition, they considered it important that their feelings were considered in the divorce process. The children expressed a need for an explanation for the divorce, and a wish to be considered in the post-divorce living arrangements. The feeling of sadness arose over the loss of a unified family, anger at one or both parents, or even guilt, wrongly believing themselves to be blamed. This narrative is aiming to amplify the voice of a child caught in the crossfire of a parental divorce.

Types of situation a child goes through during or before divorce

Imagine a nine year old, sitting at dinner time with a bunch of things to share but senses an unspoken tension between the parents. That kid can not figure out what all is happening there but has to stay silent sensing all that. Then the next day the words tumble out: “We’re getting a divorce”. That kid is being assured by saying that he is not at fault but yet the world shifts and the guilt creeps in anyways. Here that kid’s voice is being unnoticed whether he is happy with this or not. The kid is just feeling helpless as at the point he doesn’t know what to do. For every child divorce feels like the shattering of a home into pieces that no longer fits together. In some cases children may feels the need to take on adults roles like mediating between parents, stopping them from worsening the situation more, care for younger siblings, taking care of them so that they take any wrong step, often at the expense of their own emotional well-being.

A profound sense of loss- not just of the family structure but of everyday moments that once felt normal. The loss of waking up to both parents under the same roof, shared family dinners, and simple comforts of knowing that maa and papa are a team. Hence children needs support, understanding and validation to process their emotions and make sense of their now new reality.

Here educators, caregivers, friends and parents of course play a crucial role in creating a supportive environment where a child’s voice can be heard and valued.

There are a number of cases that have been filed regarding parental divorce where children’s custody is being concerned. Socially children may struggle with forming and maintaining friendships due to feelings of isolation or divided loyalties and relationship

between households. The literature hence suggests that these outcomes are not inevitable but are influenced by factors such as parental support and effective co-parenting. Divorce hence disrupts a child’s academic performance and social development as revealed by meta-analysis by Lansford(2009). Children exposed to ongoing parental conflicts are more likely to experience emotional distress and sense of loyalty conflicts as revealed by Kelly and Emery(2003). Smart(2006) advocated for a child- centered approach, arguing that children’s voices provide valuable insights into their experiences and needs.

Interviews, focused and target groups and narratives analysis have been captured from children’s lived experience (Qualitative techniques). Surveys and longitudinal studies assessing emotional and behavioral outcomes of the children and parents both (Quantitative techniques).Various statistical trends have been combined with personal accounts for a comprehensive understanding.

One such example from a qualitative techniques of study:

In one case the ex-husband insists that the child should testify in court as to who they wish to live with after a divorce. He particularly insists on having their ten years old son give a statement in court, although it has been figured out that the child is confused and frightened, and that his father is exerting great pressure on him. For this reason, it is being believed that their child will not speak frankly before the judges.

This confirms the fact that children are often the victims of their parents’ conflicting divorce proceedings. The law stipulates that this must always be in the interest of the child, who has the right to express his/her custodial preferences regardless of his/her age. Some cases that came in mediation adjoining distant highways.

In the first case, a one-year kid acted indirectly as a mediator resolving their parental divorce. On the first date of mediation when the lady came with her one-year-old at the mediation center for resolving the matter with some mutual settlement. That kid for the first time saw his father in that room without knowing that he belongs to him, he started playing with his face, as the mediation starts the mediator figured out that the father for the first time met his kid, so the mediator suggested them to resolve the dispute for the sake of the kid but they were stick to the point that they want divorce but as mediator further on heard she concluded a matter of misunderstanding a distant with the kid from the family hence putting on continuous allegations on each other. With this the mediator ordered them with the next date of mediation and when the they all came on the next date of their mediation the kid again came with the mother but this time his eyes were all on one man that was surprisingly his father, so running round the table he rushed to his father and started playing with him, so this melted both the parents heart making them to resolve the matter of divorce and hence

they cancel the further appeal of divorce. The kid hence acted as a bridge between the father and the mother.

In one such similar case, a six-year-old kid resolved their parental divorce with the knowledge that divorce can create a distance between her parents as she was wanting her parents to stay together. When it was hearing of settlement in mediation, both the guy and the lady came without their kids. When the settlement process went further on, the mediator figured out the problem of miscommunication between the couple and with the kid, so the mediator ordered the kid to bring the kid on the next date of hearing in mediation. When the next date of mediation came they bought their kid, when the process started the mediator asked the kid that what does she wants so she told the mediator that she wants to talk to her privately where she insisted the mediator to resolve the issue and bring them together again as an happy couple so hearing this the mediator told the parents a way where the man had to talk to both his wife and his daughter during evening time for at least 15 mins which on the gradual meet resolved their issue and on kids requests both the parents agreed to stay together from the date of her birthday and hence the issue got resolved at the end.

Listening to a child’s voice in a context of divorce requires patience and sensitivity. It means creating spaces where they feel safe to express their thoughts without the fear of judgements or reprisal. It means acknowledging every child’s pain and validating their feelings who is going through such situations can resolve many such problems.

Prioritizing the voice of the child in the context of the parental divorce is not only an ethical imperative but also a practical necessity for promoting healthier outcomes for children and families. Actively listening to their perspectives provides invaluable insights into their needs and concerns, contributing to more child-centered approaches in both familial and legal contexts. When children are given opportunities to express their feelings and participate in decisions that affect their lives, they are more likely to feel valued, respected and understood. Furthermore, including their voices, fosters trust, enhanced parent-child relationships and supports their long term adjustments and

resilience. Addressing these obstacles requires a shift in perspectives- one that views children not as passive recipients of adult decisions but as active stakeholders in their own lives. Continued research, policy reforms and professional training are essential to ensure that children are heard, supported and empowered during one of the most challenging transitions of their lives.

1. Nola Agha et al., The Voice of the Child in Parental Divorce: Implications for Clinical Practice and Mental Health Practitioners, ResearchGate (2017), https://www.researchgate.net/publication/320201775_The_voice_of_the_child_in_parental_divorce_implications_for_clinical_practice_and_mental_health_practitioners.

2. UNICEF Serbia, Divorce and the Voice of the Child, UNICEF (Sept. 13, 2022), https://www.unicef.org/serbia/en/stories/divorce-and-voice-child.

3. Aisling Parkes & Conor O’Mahony, Children's Participation in the Legal System Following Parental Separation and Divorce: Exploring the 'Voice of the Child' in Ireland and New Zealand, Social Inclusion, vol. 5, no. 3, 2017, https://www.cogitatiopress.com/socialinclusion/article/view/922.